25 March 2015 –
Give Me
"Give me bon bon." "Donne moi 100 francs." Everywhere I go phrases like this dog
my steps. People ask for things. Constantly. It's really hard to be a Nasara
here. Oftentimes I get frustrated because so many people seem to talk to me
only because they want something from me. If I wasn't white, which obviously
means I'm rich, I would probably get ignored. I don't feel like they really
want to know me as a person. I want to be seen as something more to them than
just a rich white person. I want to really know them, talk with them, have a
relationship with them. But they seem to see me as a potential vending machine
and will do all in their power to exploit my obvious riches.
"Lord, I'm in trouble. Please
fix it." "God, I need money. Please send some." Everyday - every
hour - I receive requests like this. People ask me for things. Constantly. It's
really hard to be God sometimes. So many times people only talk to me when they
want a miracle from me. If everything is going fine for them, I get ignored. So
few actually want to get to know me as their friend. I want to be so much more
than just the back up plan when everything goes wrong. I want to really know
them, talk with them, have a relationship with them. But they seem to just see
me as a potential vending machine and get frustrated when I don't answer
exactly as they expected.
25 March 2015 - Blessings
I am so blessed. So beyond blessed.
I have so many friends and family who love me for inexplicable reasons. I don't
know why they do, I'm not that extraordinary. I'm just me. Oftentimes I'm
grumpy, selfish, or just plain mean. I'm truly a mess, far from perfect,
unworthy of anybody's love and affection. And yet, they love me. They miss me.
They can't wait for me to come home so we can spend time together. They send me
notes full of love and encouragement. They truly value who I am. They believe
in me. And because of their belief in me, because they love me, I want to
become somebody who can be worthy of their love and belief. I want to change
into the woman they think I am, the woman that I am not. The woman I want to
be.
I realized today that as much as I
am unworthy of my friends love I am also unworthy of my Savior's inexplicable
love for me. I have done nothing to deserve it. I am a mess, a disaster. Yet
for some reason He loves me. He loved me enough to die for me, to risk
everything to give me the chance to be His. He loves me. He misses me. He can't
wait to spend time with me. He sends me notes full of love and encouragement.
He values me. He believes in me. And because He loves me, I want to be someone
worthy of that love. I want to change into the woman He desires me to be, the
woman that I am not. The woman He wants me to be.
